Letter from Malaysia*

It was nice to receive emails recently from several people whom I haven’t heard from for years. Ironically it was in response to a viral email sent to everyone in my address book encouraging them to purchase Italian Pizza Equipment. 
I do apologise, my email account was hacked in Taiwan. 
It has made me realise though that a viral link is probably more interesting to many people than a tortured epistle like this one. Perhaps this is how social media works. The more automated and unthinking, then the more ‘likes’ that can be generated. 
Strange monkeys we are.
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Taiwan:

We spent 2 weeks in Taiwan recently.
Malaysia’s eclectic mashing of Eastern cultures and the edgy, chaotic unpredictability of street life has wantonly seduced us for almost 2 decades. 
I expected Taiwan to be all that and more but it wasn’t. Instead we found it to be clean, safe and ultra friendly. I suspect that the Taipei Water Board might be sluicing happy juice through the taps. Perhaps their media doesn’t get its pyjamas wet hosing down hope. 

Taipei is extraordinary. I can’t imagine what kind of punitive measures were used to whip this big dog into shape but it’s always immaculately groomed and it sits every time.
Even the rubbish truck sounds like a Mr Whippy van, albeit twice as clean. It smiles around the back streets luring the happy residents out with their neatly tied plastic bags full of separated waste. They stand around exchanging pleasantries with the immaculately dressed Refuse Engineers before gayly skipping back to their well kept dwellings. It’s the Truman show.

The MRT ( subway ) is a breeze. Passengers queue in well marked rows for the trains. Nobody pushes, everyone stands up for older people ( I wasn’t totally enamoured with that – thank you all the same but I’m actually still quite young ) . Everyone stands on the right side of the escalator to allow others to pass. 
If you’re standing on a footpath looking at a map, motorists will pull over, get out and assist you. On one occasion a bus pulled up and the bus driver jumped out and said how very happy he was to meet us.

Over two weeks in Asia without a moment’s frustration. We kept pinching ourselves. I even looked up ‘low blood pressure’ on Google to see if it was bad for you.
On top of all that, almost no Westerners come here. Why?

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Asia’s tallest building hiding behind the world’s tallest woman.

In Taipei we stayed at a brilliant little boutique establishment close to the MRT called Mudan House. Nothing fancy but life in the house revolved around one large breakfast table where the guests ate and chatted together in the mornings. Pivotal to this scenario was a larger than life character called Kuku. A rotund lady replete with apron and bandana, she would whip up insanely delicious local breakfasts. Like the sentient maid from a 70s American sitcom, Kuku cooked and bestowed her words of wisdom upon all who gathered in her kitchen each morning.
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Cukoo & Kuku.

We took a train to Tainan from Taipei.
Tainan has heritage buildings comparable with George Town’s, so it was a must see destination for us.

We stayed for 5 nights at a Malaysian couple’s B&B in the heart of the old town.
Our host arrived at the station to pick us up, parked his car and dashed into the station. When we came out, the car ( actually it was a rusty old van he had bought for $50 ) had gone.
He immediately dismissed the suggestion that it might have been stolen. Who would want it?
Then he spied it about 100 metres away, backed up against a statue in the middle of the cities’ largest round-about with a testy cop looking like he was about to hit it with his truncheon.

“Oh shit, no hand brake, I forgot”.

The van had rolled backwards across 4 busy lanes of traffic and come to rest with the founding father of Tainan.
We scurried across the road, jumped in and sped off with the blessing of a now relieved policeman. I don’t think he wanted the paperwork.

One of the joys of travelling with Lotus Bud is following her down back streets and alleyways in search of trendy cafes. Taiwan has plenty of those.

In Tainan we found a cute little coffee shop run by an equally cute young lady with a little fish mouth, several rows of teeth, a slight underbite and a tongue that did all it could to sabotage her attempts at English.

Veronica and her hit it off perfectly as they chatted about all things coffee. 
The little girl was most impressed with our Melbourne pedigree and wished that she could visit there one day and experience the great coffee culture. 
After a lengthy discussion about different types of coffee beans, the young lady said.

“You have Fred White in Australia?”

“No, I’ve never heard of Fred White coffee beans”, replied Veronica.

“What? You come from Melbourne and you’ve never heard of Fred White coffee?”

“No,” insisted Veronica.

“Yes, you know, coffee with milk, Fred White.”

Veronica laughed until she almost choked on her flat white.

As a rider to Fred White, we recently received a text from a relative of Fred’s, Cheah White.
The text read from Cheah White … , which left Lotus Bud quite perplexed until a follow up SMS came through with … Ant removal.

Two great menu items in a Tainan restaurant called Teddy Bear:

The fancy explodes the pineapple in the mouth of tasty.  

Pig has the balls of mouth watery perfectness.
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At Teddy Bear restaurant with a friend.

The Enemy:

The Malaysian Mosquito is a highly intelligent creature.
In fact, it’s level of intelligence is directly proportional to the inverse ratio of neurones to body mass of the average Malaysian motorist. 

Professor Karl Schleussler from the Anthropology Department of Monash University in Melbourne describes this phenomenon ( in his ground-breaking study – Modern Primitive Man ) as the Vacuum Effect. 
The theory states that wherever the dominant species perpetuates enough acts of gross stupidity another species will step up to prosper the development of logical thought.

Our house has traditional windows with wooden shutters and no glass. This allows for the free passage of air and mosquitos. Even retarded mosquitos are able to enter and sample the Western food. 

Lotus Bud was recently heard to say.

“It will be strange returning to Melbourne and going to bed without a tennis racket.” ( zapper )

An update on the progress of the ‘war on terror’. Two days ago we had fly screens fitted to all the windows …. and they work. 

Every time Veronica and I  pass each other we giggle or punch the air like we’ve just kicked the winning goal. We are winning. If only we could stop the temple smoke as well.
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The Chinese:

I used to believe that another difference between the Chinese and the rest of humanity was their lungs. The Chinese have iron lungs. They can chain smoke cigarettes, inhale joss stick smoke, burn incinerators and breath diesel fumes all day without the slightest affect. Or so I thought. I had this conversation yesterday.

“Where’s Uncle?”

“Uncle get sick and die”

“My God, what was wrong?”

“He cough.”

“Why did he die?”

“He old”.

‘How old?”

“50 over”.

For many years we were scared that the traditional ways would die out. Actually the only thing dying out is the traditional people who appear to have no idea that their lungs are important.

At the moment it’s the Hungry Ghost Festival. Throughout the day people come to the temple ( the one we bought  a house right next to ) and burn bags of money to send to Grandpa in heaven. The Chinese value life by two concepts, money and luck. Grandpa gets the money and we all need luck to stay alive during the financial transaction.

Last night was the special night for the ghosts to walk around the streets. George Town was like a ‘ghost’ town. At 9.30 pm we wandered around to a friends restaurant for a night cap and she welcomed us as the first customers of the evening. A day earlier and you could hardly move in town. The power of superstition.

The Wartropp:

We’ve been buying furniture. Old, cheap stuff that we can trick people into thinking is antique. 
Last week it was a wardrobe ( or wartropp, as they call it here ) from Mr. Lee the signboard engraver. He has half of George Town waiting for him to complete restoration work. All our friends have texts from him explaining why the job is not yet completed. Either he or one of his family members has met with an accident. Broken arms, legs, heart attacks, all detailed as if pulled from a Shakespearean tragedy with words n’er used since the 18th century. When we went to see him about our overdue wartropp, the back of his head had been hit by a car and he had 3 blood clots but if we cometh back nigh Tuesday the wartropp shalt be redy.

The Music:

I found out how they make Malay rock music. They record some poor bugger having a nervous breakdown, then add guitar and the sound of a cat being neutered. When the recording is complete, you can listen and wonder why you haven’t  converted to Islam yet as you wheel your shopping trolley around Cold Storage at Queensbay Mall. 

Final Word:

Lotus Bud chatting with a Vegan guy in KL who wouldn’t stop talking – 

“It’s enough to make you want to eat meat”.

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