Monthly Archives: June 2016

Pork & Beef

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It’s been a sad week for children of all ages with news of the passing of the 3 Little Pigs in Penang last Monday.
After long careers as storybook characters, all 3 had decided to join the MM2H program and retire in Malaysia.
Last year they purchased a Chinese Shop House in George Town’s Heritage Zone and set about restoring it.

According to a police report, their deaths are considered suspicious. A Mr. B B Wolf is now in custody and helping police with their inquiries. Eye witnesses say that the alleged killer was seen huffing an puffing outside the 3 Little Pigs residence on Kimberley St. only hours before news of their demise was announced. Cause of death is as yet unknown but a demolished shop house is possibly involved.

Their funeral was held on Beach Street today and attended by more than 1,000 mourners.
Pork Belly will be served at half price in most Chinese restaurants this week as a mark of respect.

3 Little Pigs Funeral

Funeral of the 3 Little Pigs in Penang

Matsuzaka Beef

I’m rapidly gaining a more realistic cognisance of my creative writing skills with my only gig thus far this year being to write copy for a Matsuzaka Beef Company in Mie Prefecture, Japan.
The criteria was to keep it simple – ‘none of our clients can read English’.
I guess I’m the perfect man for the job. A vegetarian writing about meat for people who can’t speak English. Thanks to Jordan for supplying the leanest cut – Best Karate Chops.

I had considered tossing them a proven catch – It’s the Beef that Matsuzaka reject that makes Matsuzaka the Best. Then I imagined reading about a massive International law suit with John West suing Matsuzaka Beef for 3 Billion Dollars while Veronica and I go into hiding somewhere in South America to avoid the Yakuza.

Did you know that 1 kg of Matsuzaka beef costs around US500?  I’m waiting for my cheque.

John Hanna & Veronica Greer

At a cafe in Penang – 2 old people using their smart phones – The Nokia 1280

The Masses

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The more technologically advanced humankind becomes, the more despairing are our attempts to reconcile good sense.
A tiny proportion of the population are smart enough to invent cool new stuff and the other 99%, who have only recently evolved from jellyfish, get to play with it. We then falsely assume that everyone is getting smarter.

What the vast majority of people eat, play with, listen to and buy, is sub-standard. Human beings are essentially gullible apes and perfect fodder for those looking to exploit that vulnerability.
In general, what the masses want is the well packaged, inferior version of what ever is available. The pscycology of human desire revolves around the seed of expectation planted by those looking to profit from feeding that assumed need. The genuine product, service or performance is typically overlooked by the majority because the energy that goes into its creation is an honest attempt at quality and not just the glitzy packaging. The punter has to be interested, proactive and more than a touch cynical if they are to find anything of worth.
A classic example of this phenomena is TV advertising.
Two of the areas of sales that I have background knowledge of, the Pool & Spa Industry and the Health Food Industry, both advertise regularly on television.
Without fail, those who have a large, credible presence on TV have an inferior product or service. The better the product the more you will need to delve a little deeper to find it. If it’s in your face yelling ‘ buy me ‘ , then chances are it should be avoided. Except of course for the masses who will demand it – they saw it on TV, so it must be good.

Nowadays the Food Industry rivals the Tobacco Industry for its unscrupulous production and promotion of consumables that are mostly tantamount to poison. It’s a crime against humanity that Governments appear powerless to control.
The multi-billion dollar food industry is controlled by cartels who exploit our contrived addiction to sugar and salt. The masses are food junkies barely aware that their health is being compromised by these trusted brand Companies. Watching morbidly obese people pushing their shopping trolleys laden with biscuits, soft drink, chocolates, chips, frozen dinners and packaged food around a supermarket is actually heart breaking. Seeing a long line of cars queuing at a fast food outlet is just madness. We really have lost our way. Food should equal nutrition but we now eat to feed an addiction to poison. The food industry has led us down this dark path and anyone who sparks any kind of protest is howled down as a nutter. If you want to eat the kind of food that nature intended for human apes, then we need to separate ourselves from the masses.

The Music Industry promotes mediocrity. That’s what people want. Pretty people who don’t have much musical talent. An actor can become a pop star. The world’s best composers, singers, guitarists, pianists etc, are not in the Top 40 Charts. It’s only the discerning listener or genre-based fan who is able to uncover real musical talent. The masses are fed formulaic twaddle.

In Asia, if you set up a shop selling colourful, plastic objects that have no apparent use beyond catching your attention, then the shallow masses will ensure that you make a healthy profit.

A tai chi master with a huge on-line presence has tapped into the masses’ interest in healthy pursuits. Essentially it’s about filling that niche demand for self improvement without effort. With just 10 minutes exercise a day you can achieve supreme health with the ‘magic’ of tai chi. Of course it’s rubbish but people are tripping over themselves to sign up. Meanwhile a tai chi instructor promoting the real art and all the effort required to achieve genuine reward is teaching half a dozen committed souls in a back street studio. It’s a metaphor for why we should delve beyond what is popular if we are serious about adding quality to our lives.

In conclusion, we shouldn’t be so gratuitous as to not pay heed to circumstance. Any attempt to avoid popular choice by being disingenuous with regard to seeking quality will result in us becoming different, like everybody else. However, unless you are content with playing the victim; the mindless, gullible fool who feeds voraciously on spin, then be skeptical of everything with a big marketing budget.
The masses accept what it appears to be not what it really is.

Next time you want to complain about the Government, remember, it was the masses who voted them in.
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Tai Cheah

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Free tai chi class at the Cheah Kongsi with a Master from China. 7.30 – 9.30 pm. tonight.

After almost 20 years in Malaysia we still can’t break the habit of getting to events on time.

We walked through the Kongsi gates and onto the MSG-soaked fluorescent lawn at precisely 7.29 pm.
“Perhaps this is the wrong place,” Veronica suggested. Noting that there was no one around.

It was then that I realised our mistake. Doh, we’re on time. Stupid. Penang people are always at least 30 minutes late for everything.

Several years ago we raced down to Bayan Lepus to attend a wedding starting at 7.00 pm sharp. It started at 10. Everyone else arrived between 9.50 and 10.00 pm. Depending on the nature of the event, there is an unwritten understanding among Penangites as to how late they need to be.

In the courtyard in front of the temple, a lone security guard confirmed that indeed, this was where the tai chi was to take place. He then got up and started mimicking some tai chi postures with hilariously exaggerated movements.

Free Tai Chi Cheah Kongsi

At around 8 pm the local folk started appearing out of the cracks in the cities’ walls.

At the risk of sounding a touch conceited, the ensuing histrionics were stunningly predictable.

The Chinese adopt their roles in these tai chi theatre pieces to the point where you’re convinced that it’s all some rehearsed parody.

I’ve been to hundreds of these tai chi classes over the years. Run by the Chinese, for the Chinese, in China and Malaysia. The same characters appear in every class like it was some Chinese Opera with the King, Queen, Warrior, Villain, Hero, Peasants etc.

First to appear is The Uncle. The thin man of 70 with wispy white hair, a white t-shirt tucked into silky blue track suit pants, gym shoes and possibly a limp that he’s carried for 50 years after writing off his first Boon Siew. He’s quiet, respectful and usually totally ignored. He seems to accept this isolation as though it’s forged through request.

The next to appear are The 3 Maidens. They are nice, they smile, they wear white t-shirts with yellow embossing and they are volunteers for a Buddhist charity like Tai Tzu or Save the Japanese from Themselves or whatever. They are sweet and they usually bring cakes for everyone else. Their tai chi is always very ‘Yin’, very soft and to the alpha males who are yet to appear on stage, they are at the bottom of the tai chi peaking order. In my opinion, they are closer to the top by a process of attrition.

Next to come are The Newbie Enthusiasts. The middle-aged, educated males who have invested an interest in tai chi as a possible antidote to mid-life crisis. Unlike the solo uncle, they are happy to talk to anyone and smart enough to express a degree of emotion completely foreign to most Chinese, humility. They do however possess the common Chinese trait of listening without hearing. The combination of their recent discovery of tai chi and their genetic pre-disposition to the art, totally over-rides any knowledge or skill a Westerner may have accrued during 3 decades of regular training. Tai chi development is an inch wide and a mile deep. They only know about the inch and yet they start telling me about the mile.

Now comes the first of The Alpha Males. He’s a silverback in dark silks with thick thighs and a thick head. When he struts across the lawn he imagines that all eyes are upon him and everyone is excited by his presence. To the contrary, the Chinese aren’t stupid, they all think he’s a dick-head too.

The group grows quickly until there are around 40 people. They gradually take up their positions on the large concrete quadrangle in front of the main temple. The Master arrives. He looks unremarkable with a noticeable expansion of the lower dantien. I suspect that Malaysian street food agrees with him.

The Master begins by wasting at least 5 minutes getting everyone to line up in rows. This happens in every Chinese tai chi class. They are obsessed with this regimentation and the students always behave like it’s the most difficult task of the night. The feng shui is finally acceptable and we begin with a salute. The big gorilla, who has positioned himself at the back, to no doubt keep an eye on everyone, suddenly yells out – ‘Show respect to the Master’. I glance over and see smoke starting to billow out of Veronica’s ears.

We do warm ups. It’s external posturing with no internal nurturing. They grind their knees with gusto. Veronica and I watch on. The knee is a hinge joint not a ball and socket joint. I blindly followed my early teachers doing these masochistic loosening exercises for years and finished up with ‘swimming knees’. The kuas are overlooked and the structure encouraged to collapse at the knees.

Then it’s time to stretch and bounce ( ouch ). They can all stretch low, irrespective of how awful their tai chi is. Years of defecating over holes in the ground has ensured that the pelvis is open and their feet are left flapping outward like a clown.

I’m starting to plan our exit strategy but decide to scan the cast of characters again to see how many more of the usual suspects are present.

Miss Torpedo is here. She’s always at this type of class. Tall and skinny, she stands up the front and has more angles than a Mathematics text book. She can reach up higher than everyone else and go lower than everyone else. She moves faster and harder. She has 6 elbows and her pony tail flashes when she punches the air with all her little might. The qi is caught somewhere between her ego and annealed shoulders. There is nothing about her that has even an inkling of what tai chi is about but in her mind she is a star.

If this was a Chess Board and I was a Knight, then I could take The Disco Man with my next move. He’s in front to the right and is an unmistakable presence. What he sees others do and how he interprets what he sees are two entirely different concepts. The Disco Man is able to abuse motion in ways that most other people couldn’t even begin to exaggerate. Legs and arms defy every physical law as he all but dismantles himself in the search for grace.

The Athlete is here too. Young, fit, handsome, strong, he can ‘really’ do tai chi. He’s the golden boy. He doesn’t need to say anything, just smile and accept all the admiring glances.

The Snake is always present. He’s late fifties, a little over-weight but he can move around close to the ground. That’s his thing, slithering through a form. I love to keep an eye on him for those little moments when he over does it and falls over, hoping no-one will notice.

Wu Shu Boy never fails to attend any class where a genuine Master is present. He does Kung Fu and now he’s mastering Tai Chi. He will always want to lead students in their training when the Master has gone back to China.

The Master, who seems content to let senior students do most of the work, finally comes forward to demonstrate the Form. He’s the real deal. A powerful unit with genuine fajing. His tailbone doesn’t tuck well, which is either a long held bad habit or the unbending shape of his back but either way, he appears to have compensated well for any structural fault there. He’s impressive albeit a touch lazy. I can tell that he rarely practices these days. As is so often the case with well regarded teachers, they tend to oversee rather than be directly involved. It’s been an ordinary night but the opportunity to watch a real Master perform made the outing worthwhile.

As a teaching project I really failed to see the point. Any new students to tai chi appear to have only learned to contort their bodies into unhelpful positions. It’s external nonsense. Chen Style is not something that can be taught satisfactorily to students who lack foundation.

We left and I’m sure that most present would agree that we played the role of token Westerners to perfection. Two white people who had no understanding at all about the Chinese art of Tai Chi.